If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. Matthew 18:15–17 (MSG)
Have you ever noticed that opposites attract? Sometimes one person is a people-pleaser who needs to be needed, and the other relies on people to fix their problems and holds others responsible for keeping them happy. We’ve been on a series over this Christmas season about toxic love, and both people in the above example are engaging in this conditional, you-need-to-earn-it kind of love.
If you’re looking to build a solid relationship with someone, please don’t look for someone who needs you. Find someone who chooses to spend the rest of their life with you and who looks to Jesus, knowing that you can’t fulfill them in every area. That being said, you may already be in a long-term relationship with someone who hooks you with guilt to get you to behave a certain way. If so, it’s not too late to make a change.
When you are in relationship with a toxic lover, what will always push at you is guilt and condemnation. According to them, you are to blame. You hold the key to their happiness. You fix all the problems. But if they try to cross the boundaries you’ve set by using guilt and manipulation, you can say, “I love you to pieces but I won’t be controlled.” Even if they’re unhappy with you, you can walk free as you learn not to get your self-worth from what they think of you.
As you disconnect from this toxic cycle and begin to find your self-worth in God, you’ll be free to create a deep, rewarding relationship with healthy boundaries.
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